I'm ready to sigh with relief. I'm ready to know that everything is going to be alright. I'm sick of everything and sick of myself. I've grown up hating everything about myself and the place I grew up in. I want so much and I've worked really hard, but I just can't seem to grasp what I want. It's so close dammit. What do I have to do? Steal? Kill?.. I just want to be content. I just want what I've paid for in blood, sweat, and tears. I hate myself, I hate my selfishness, and I hate the people that want anything to do with me. I'm absolutely miserable and this post is absolutely fucking boring to everyone, but myself. In fact I don't think anyone else has even read anything on this blog.. so whats the fucking point? What's the fucking point of anything? What's the point of trying, striving, and slaving to fit social standards and psychological self gratification? I hate being human, I hate being alive, but I can't kill myself. I wish I could just float away on a small boat into the ocean and just sleep forever. I want to just float along in a state of absolute content forever and ever. I never want to deal with getting up, with people, with girls, with family, with friends, or anything. It's all pointless. I'm an emo fucking teenie bopper in an adults body living the lifestyle of a college student with a professional degree. I want to be swallowed by the earth and just set free.

tattoo

I know this guy.. he got a tattoo. well, he had several tattoos, but i specifically remember him getting a tattoo of this band, or movie, or cultural something... wait it was Thursday the band... Anywho, after that point he was die hard about the band Thursday. Not because he liked them anymore or because their new album didn't suck, because it did, but because now that shit was engraved on his arm.. He has to be a Thursday fan for the rest of his life. He has to defend their shitty new albums, even when he knows they're terrible. He doesnt have a choice anymore... hes no longer free to change his mind or be honest with himself. He cant even admit that their music was never that great.... but instead he was just going through a period of time that Thursday seemed especially relevant to him.

Now he listens to Thursday even more and shitty bands that kind of sound like Thursday. He hangs out with people that listen to Thursday. He wears a beanie hat.. that says Thursday.

I guess getting tattoos are a symbol of liberation and fuck you.. symbols of the counterculture, a stamp that tells the world, "I'm more free than you are."

Happy or Sad

Happy normal assholes in bland button up shirts having a great time with beer and girls that make food for friends who like sports and big tvs that make life life.. riding mowers, making babies, casual fridays, sitcom sundays, make up and tan vinyl. Malls malls malls, mall hair, veneer barbecue, Egyptian sheets, black fucking bloody christmas dogfest fucking birthday cake flu shot burning in law cocktail while saving for vacation

UnJust

The white man prayed thanks for the prosperity God had so generously provided him throughout the years. His white Georgian mansion grew steadily and his property became increasingly expansive, cotton spilled accross the country side like milk. His wifes wardrobe was more elaborate than ever and her children would receive nothing less than the best education the south could provide. Her youngest wrote poems and read them at holidays, they always clapped and smiled for him. This family would be one of the healthiest and most admired families in Savannah... It was a good life for this man's family and God knew they deserved it, and so they prayed every night. It went something like this;

Thank you Jesus for our family

Thank you for our health and all you have blessed us with.

We pray for guidance and hope that you continue to grace us with such gifts and love.

We also pray for those who you choose not to bless so generously.

Thank you for recegnozing us as the worthy..

Amen

Sorry Gwen...

Ok, I don't necessarily hate anything.... But, I am sick of all of this clone music that people are listening to.. Maybe I was a little harsh on Gwen. lol

No Doubt Reunion Tour

So, No Doubt just swept across the midwest on their reunion tour and no doubt (pun not intended, well maybe it was) made millions, which is sad because they FUCKING SUCK! and no... I'm always going to get someone, some asshole, that says, "Yeah, I mean, they suck now but Trajic Kingdom was good. Their old stuff was good, but Gwen Stefani totally sold out. They were like totally good friends with Sublime and used to write all of this great ska/punk music in the nineties.." and my response to these people (most of my friends, sorry) is FFFUUUCCCKKK YOOUU! No Doubt was never good... Maybe they had a couple of catchy pre-Blink 182 pop punk hits that borderlined aggressive, but that trash was by no means good. It was simply not as bad as 10, 000 high-school girls screaming, "This shit is bananas! B-A-N-A-N-A-S!!" And to say that Gwen Stefani was ever cool is proposterous. The only way Gwen Stefani would ever be cool would be if she shaved her head on stage and carved a giant upside down cross on her chest with a piece of broken glass..... Now that shit would be bananas....... and I'm talking fucking amazing bananas. B-A-N-A aww fuck it.

The Library (circa Dec. 08)

The library is my home.. I'm realizing that it seriously is. My apartment is where I live but its not my home. I love my roommates, but it's not home. My dorm was never my home. My parent's house back in my 'home' town definitely isn't my home. It never was. My father lives in Florida and then back in Indiana then goes to Colorado, then Mexico, then California, and then Chicago.. obviously my home isn't with my father.

The only time I get the overwhelming sense of environmental closure and comfort is when I'm here in the calm quiet library. Where all of the books are my lonely friends, some not leaving their shelves for years and years. The mustard yellows, the brown floors, and the brick walls make me feel alright. When I missed last nights party, I'm still hungover, or everything in the world is wrong. It's easy to get lost in books, in my home, the library...